Praise and your kids

   Praise is a valuable shaper; children want to please you and keep your approval. Yet, you can easily overdo it. Praise the behavior, not the person. Praises like "good girl" or "good boy" risk misinterpretation and are best reserved for training pets. These labels are too heavy for some children. ("If I don't do well, does that mean I'm bad?") Better is: "You did a good job cleaning your room." "That's a good decision." "I like the way you used lots of color in this picture." The child will see that the praise is sincere since you made the effort to be specific; it shows that you're paying attention. For quickies try "Great job!" or "Way to go!" or even "Yesss!" To avoid the "I'm valued by my performance" trap, acknowledge the act and let the child conclude the act is praiseworthy. If you praise every other move the child makes he will either get addicted to praise, or wonders why you are so desperate to make him feel good about himself. Be realistic. You don't have to praise, or even acknowledge, things he just does for the joy of it, for his own reasons.

   Shaping through praise works well if you have a specific behavior goal that you want to reach, for example, stopping whining. Initially, you may feel like you are acknowledging nearly every pleasant sound your child makes ("I like your sweet voice"). Eventually, as the whining subsides, the immediate need for praise lessens (of course, a booster shot is needed for relapses) and you move on to shaping another behavior.

Change praises

   To keep your child's attention, change the delivery of your accolades. As you pass by the open door of the cleaner room, say: "Good job!" Show with body language a thumbs-up signal for the child who dresses herself. Written praises are a boon in large families. They show extra care. Private praises help, too. Leave little "nice work" notes on pillows, yellow "post-its" on homework, messages that convey that you noticed and that you are pleased. Children need praise, but don't overdo it. You don't want a child to look around for applause whenever she lifts a finger, like a dog expecting a cookie every time he does a trick.

   As an exercise in praise-giving, write down how many times you praised and how many times you criticized your child in the last 24 hours. We call these pull-ups and put-downs. If your pull-ups don't significantly outnumber your pull-downs, you are shaping your child in the wrong direction.

Praise genuinely

   Praise loses its punch if you shower acclaim on usual and expected behavior; yet when the child who habitually strikes out finally hits the ball, that's praiseworthy. Simply acknowledge expected behavior, rather than gushing praise.

   Acknowledgment is dispassionate praise that shapes a child to please himself rather than perform for approval. Don't make up fake kudos. The child will see through them and begin to question even genuine praise. For example, before you praise, try to read your child's body language to see whether the child feels the job is praiseworthy: "Daddy, look at my drawing I did at school. I got an 'A'." If she approaches you eagerly, displaying her picture for all to see, this child deserves praise that shares her excitement. If she pulls the paper out of her schoolbag and tosses it on the kitchen table, praise may not be in order.
Use the art of complimenting

   Teach your child to be comfortable giving and receiving compliments. Tell your child, "What a handsome boy you are" or "How pretty you look in that dress!" Eye and body contact during your delivery reinforces the sincerity of your acknowledgment. Make sure you're sincere. When you hear your children complimenting one another, compliment yourself for your modeling.

  Children with weak self-worth have difficulty giving and receiving compliments. They are so hung up on how they imagine the receiver will take their tribute, that they clam up; they feel so unworthy of any compliment that they shrug off the compliment and put off the complimenter. If you are like that as a person, learn to give and take a compliment yourself so that you can model this to your child. Compliment yourself, "I feel good about the sale I made today!" Acknowledge your child's praise, "You're the best mommy." "Thank you, honey, I like to hear that." Some mothers (and fathers) hear these words often, yet deny the truth of their child's words by the outward response they give (sighing, gulping, frowning, shrugging or grimacing) and by their internal guilt trip. If this is you, get some help believing what your child intuitively knows—you're the best parent for this child. Parental self-image directly affects children's self-confidence and the ability to give and receive compliments comfortably.
Avoid praises with a hidden agenda

   I had been on our teenager's case about dressing more modestly. One day I said, "I like your new wardrobe." She saw right through this, and took it as a put-down of her old wardrobe. She interpreted my comment as trying to manipulate what she wears. A better approach would have been more specific and more centered on her: "That longer shirt really makes you look graceful" or "Classy jacket—you look ready for college."

Problems with praise

   While appropriately-used praise can shape behavior, it's not the only way to reinforce good behavior. In some ways it's superficial. Praise is an external motivator. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—inner motivation. We praise good grades and have always motivated our children by planting the idea that good grades are one ticket to success. We always temper our praise with "How do you feel about your report card? We want you to get good grades mainly because it makes you happy." When possible, turn the focus back on the child's feelings: "You played well at the recital. I bet you're relieved and proud." Best results with praise to shape behavior is setting the conditions that help children know how and when to praise themselves.

EXPECT GOOD BEHAVIOR

   Excessive praise will give children the message that obedience and good behavior are optional. It's better to give your child the message that he is doing exactly what you expect, not something out of the ordinary. Children are programmed to meet your expectations. Sometimes all that is needed for you to break a negative cycle is to expect good behavior. Treat them as if they really are going to choose right. When parents don't expect obedience, they generally don't get it.